A Bad F***ing Day (Is An "Okay" Life Really Okay?)

Ever have a bad day that is so f***ed up you just want to scream.....or cry.....or hit something.....or hit SOMEONE?

So here's the thing. We all have certain beliefs that we build our world on (and around). If we are lucky we build our belief systems on ideals and not people. People will disappoint you every time, just give them enough time.

I have been reading a lot on the topic of happiness and the law of attraction lately and have been trying to implement many tried and true aspects into my life. I have really been making lots of headway lately, then today -WHAM! Right to the head - something hit me like a ton of bricks. (No, I am not going to tell you what it was.....cuz then you would REALLY think I'm insane.)

You see, it doesn't take much to change my mood. The smallest thing will make me ecstatic, but then five minutes later a tiny, insignificant thing convinces me that life is not worth living.

I seriously think that lots of suicides happen because people who were destined for great lives instead end up with "okay" lives....and they know it.

I am not joking or trivializing suicide. I have been on the verge a few times and I know how peaceful it feels when you make the decision to do it. Suddenly, everything is right in your world. How f***ed up is that?

(My significant other is out of town right now - which is both good and bad. Nothing more to say about that.)

When you wake up and realize this is not the life you signed up for, not what you planned - what do you do? Is an "okay" life really okay?

When you have been numb for a long time, asleep even, and then one day you wake up - what do you do when things are set on a track headed for a scary place you don't want to go? ("Okay" is a scary place, in case you don't know.)

My personal belief is that all people are destined for greatness. I sincerely believe that every person is born with innate abilities and unending possibilities. I have seen some people overcome situations and succeed in life in ways that have proved it to me.

Here's the problem: We get off track. We make bad decisions. We end up living someone else's dream....which is fine, except it's not our dream.

It doesn't matter how good you've got it if it's not what you want. Life is not "One Size Fits All" and you are not ungrateful if you want something different. And no matter what some churches tell you, it IS okay for you want a fulfilling life. It's not selfish. You can't contribute to things and people outside yourself if you don't have anything inside yourself to give.

You should crave the companionship of a mate who makes you tingle from your head to your toes. You should always go after one more thing that will make you happy. Never take "no" for an answer, always turn it into a "yes" instead.

(I need to take my own advice more often.)

After all this rambling, you can understand why I feel the need to just CHANGE THINGS. I want to change the BIG things, but since I can't do that right now without disrupting the lives of MANY innocent people.....I guess I will continue to change the little things instead. All I can do is all I can do.

So I am sitting here tonight licking my wounds and wondering what kind of new curtains I might buy.

Good night, everyone.

Why I Need a Brain and Instructions On How To Use It

Ever feel like your brain is SO screwed up that you wonder how you ever hold one coherent thought? Sometimes I actually wonder if my brain has stopped making some chemicals altogether.

I have done some of the stupidest things over the past eighteen months. There are days when my brain feels completely numb.....it feels like it's absent from my head. However, I continue to breathe and do other automatic tasks, so it must be awake and doing something up there.

You know, you read all these "self help" books and try to increase the productivity of your brain (and specifically your thoughts). Or at least I do. Then you try to implement all these foreign thought patterns that will change your life. When you think about it, these really are instructions on how to use your brain. It trains you how to think, and not think as well.

What my brain needs is a good rest. I was watching a show on television last night about how young people who leave their Amish community usually miss many aspects of their old lives. One guy was saying that he missed the slower pace and the quiet, peaceful evenings.

I have never had a life that slow or laid back, but I'm sure I could use a few of those evenings myself. I think we all could. 

Meditation is the key to making your mind shut up and leave you alone. I am getting better at it, but it is quite difficult for me. I actually think my mind is louder, busier, and more obnoxious that most people's. I just can't make it be quiet.

Anyway, I am going to see Train tonight, so that will give my brain a surge of happiness.

John Rzeznik Is On Live From Daryl's House

I am a huge fan of Live From Daryl's House anyway, but when he had John Rzeznik on his show it sealed the deal for me. If you are not a fan of his, then you don't know what you are missing. As front man for the Goo Goo Dolls, he is the most talented songwriter and performer I've ever seen. Check out the complete episode here.

There's also a great episode with Train on there (who I happen to have tickets to see tonight). Hope you enjoy these as much as I do!

The Sweetest Lie (All Relationships Have One)

Took my husband to the airport this morning so he could fly off to another country and make us some more money. He enjoys making us money, though not flying to other countries so much.

It's his job, you see. To take care of the kids and me. And it makes his chest swell out really big when he thinks he is doing it well. It makes him feel needed as well as productive.

I often make the joke that he is good for more than just changing light bulbs and killing spiders. He laughs too, but not as hard as me.

He supports my various interests, which right now happens to be internet marketing. So I really can't complain. I stay home with the kids (some days I DO complain about that), and he let's me run with whatever tickles my fancy.

However, part of this stems from the fact that fresh out of college I turned down the various offers of headhunters who wanted to place me with several different companies in other states. Moving was not a possibility as far as my husband was concerned because he was HAPPY with HIS JOB. Discussion closed.

Jobs in my field were hard to come by in the area where we live, so guess who had to look for jobs in other fields? After trying several fields that just didn't do it for me, I finally went back to school and got a graduate degree in yet another field that I didn't really enjoy either. Turns out he had some opinions about what I did down that path as well.......

He also had opinions about the town we lived in, the church we went to, the piece of property he was willing to live on.........and since he had such difficulty with change I tried to be unselfish about things.

Now, am I blaming him? Yes and no. I allowed my decisions to be made for me, and I allowed him the power to make me feel guilty if I didn't go along. (I have spent my whole adult life trying NOT to be the wicked witch that is my mother.)

(Uh, my mother.....)

So while he tries to pretend that he showers me in decadence by catering to my every whim, we both know the truth.

Hubby has been a naughty, selfish boy. And now he's trying to make himself feel better about it.

I titled this post "The Sweetest Lie" partly because that's what this is all about - the lie we both know exists. And because it's the name of a Goo Goo Dolls song that I love.

But in the end, I stay home with my kids, I have a new house, I drive a nice car.....I guess being fulfilled with my work is just too much to ask for on top of everything else.

However, I am really digging the internet marketing these days. It has turned into a huge challege, and I am up for that challenge. The learning curve is quite steep, and I am mostly self-taught. I probably would not be doing this if I had some high-profile job that I originally craved right out of college.

So I should thank him for being so selfish, right?

Habitual Liars (And What You Can Get Away With If You Are Pretty)

There are these people out there in the world who apparently think that lying is okay. In fact, some of them appear to think it is a sport, and a competitive one at that.

You know the people I am talking about. They will look you straight in the eye and tell you a lie for absolutely no reason other than the thrill of it. Then they will spin another lie to back up the first one.

One of my friends was just telling me earlier today about problems with her boyfriend who is a habitual liar. Living with someone like that just tires you out after a while. It takes a lot of energy to navigate the waves of lies.

My first husband was a real dandy. If there had been an Olympic competition for lying he would have won it hands down. The best part was that his mom was in complete denial of his problem. Oh, she knew what a liar he was but frequently spouted that "He doesn't lie to his mama!" with so much conviction that she must have believed it on some level. I would just smile cuz whatever lie he had told her five minutes before was usually a good one.

The other thing is that liars always want someone to back up their story. My ex would constantly put me on the spot  by asking me to back up his wild stories. It was very difficult for me since I have never made a habit of lying and had to find many creative ways of wiggling out of those situations.

By the time we were ready for a divorce his lying was to the point of being laughably ridiculous. He couldn't honestly think ANYONE believed those stories! But he kept spinning them.

I have often wondered about the pitiful girls who got him after me and what they probably had to put up with. But they probably did it with a smile.....he does look like a Greek god, after all. At least he DID. I haven't seen him or spoken to him in years. Hmm...wonder if he still looks that pretty (and if girls are still putting up with his crap).

People always forgave him because they wanted to be his friend. I also forgave him for years because I wanted to be his wife, despite the fact I couldn't believe a word that ever came out of his mouth.

I believe it's true that pretty people get further in life because people "like" them better and are attracted to them on many different levels (not just romantic).

I personally like to put my head on a pillow at night with a clear conscious. But that's just me.

How To Have a Happier Marriage - My Take On It

I have my own take on marriage that's probably not that popular. Well, at least I am DEVELOPING a different view.

This is a fact: The mate you pick at twenty is not usually the person you would pick at thirty - or forty. It continues to change as you you get older. Maturity and knowledge play a lot into it, along with changing interests.

Stop for just a minute and ask yourself -Am I happy with the partner I have right now? Be honest. Don't tell yourself a lie so you will feel good about your life...that's counterproductive.

In between my two marriages I dated several different guys. None of them were "the one" but I enjoyed the variety. I had always gone from one heavy relationship to another, so just enjoying the moment was great for a while.

What am I trying to say here? Well, marriage is a scary proposition. You are supposed to commit to it forever, but forever is a mighty long time. Are there people who can be happy with each other for fifty years? Apparently so, at least they claim to be.

Ever heard of serial monogamy? It's where you are exclusive, but not together forever. You don't even plan to stay together forever necessarily, but you are totally exclusive and monogamous while you are together. Then you will probably go be monogamous with someone else when your current relationship has run its course. Hmm....

While this might sound good on the surface, society would completely fall apart if this was how everyone operated. Plus, there would be a whole generation of children with severe insecurity issues. I can't even imagine the implications of that a few generations down the road.

So how DO you have a happier marriage? You make the decision to be happy everyday, so matter what your situation might be. Then you treat your mate as well as you want to be treated. Try to be as honest as you can without telling your mate things to would hurt them for no good reason. I personally believe that it's okay to have a few secrets from your mate. Sometimes it is even healthier.

I know people who have cleared their conscious about affairs that happened ten or twenty years before only to crumble their spouse's world. I believe that is sort of selfish at that point (especially after that much time). But that's just my personal opinion....not everyone will agree with that.

So here's my advice: Be thankful for at least one thing everyday. Then be thankful for one thing about your spouse each day. It will make a huge difference over time.

And be your own person.

Life Looking Through a Different Window

A few months ago I had a strange dream. Now, I dream all the time and it's usually really weird dreams. You know me. Psychologists say that everyone dreams, but some people don't remember their dreams. That sounds about right. It's a matter of how in touch you are with yourself.

Anyway, here is my strange dream. In my laundry room there is a transom window up really high that you can't see out of. It is there simply to let light in. So in my dream I was sitting/hovering (not sure which) up really high in the air and I could see out of that window. When I looked out I was amazed at how different everything looked. Nothing ever looked like that when peering out any other window in the house. Everything was so beautiful now!

Well, it doesn't take a  Ph.D. to figure out the meaning behind this dream. I was seeing life from a different perspective and it looked better that way.

I have been doing all this soul searching and introspective stuff lately, and I must say that my life IS getting better. Lots of hindrances have been eliminated in my life because I CHOSE to eliminate them.

Control, people. That's what it's all about. We all have more control over our lives than we think. If you are deeply religious, then your church doctrine may teach that you have no control over your life at all. God controls everything. I bought into that for a long time, but I don't believe it anymore. I believe that we are given choices (and many more than most people think.) And unlike most people I know, I don't believe you are going to hell for exercising control over your own life.

That's my opinion. People should not sit back and take whatever comes at them. Everyone should be proactive, no reactive. Stage your own life, don't let it stage you.

You want something good to happen in your life? Then go out and MAKE it happen. God will not smite you!